Our writer Michael Ciriaco shares his experience of working for the Academy Awards and breaks down this year’s nominations for best picture.

Working for the Academy Awards was the greatest and most disappointing time of my life. By sheer coincidence I fell ass backwards into the enviable position of assistant to Bruce Vilanch, head writer of the most important award show of the year. The work was a cinch, mostly basic office tasks. Honestly, 90 percent of the job was keeping Bruce fed (a Herculean task in its own right). I killed the rest of my time browsing Xtube and fantasizing about the awesome after parties I’d attend.

Like most openly gay teenagers, my outsider status in high school distanced me from the alpha cliques and their beer soaked house parties. But now I was well into my twenties and a bona fided cool kid in my own right. Who cares about doing gravity bongs in Ryan Brook’s basement? I was going to be elbowing with the likes of Jake Gyllenhal and Meryl Streep. For once, I was on the inside. Wasn’t I?

It turns out that I wasn’t. A week before the Oscars, it was broken to me that the Heads Writer’s assistant does not in fact get invited to the after party. Even worse, Vilanch’s plus one had gone to a well endowed mutual friend of ours, so I didn’t even have a contingency plan. I felt like my heart had been body checked into a row of lockers. Suddenly, I was that vulnerable freshman again: an outsider, a pariah, a faggot.

Of course, it wasn’t all storm clouds and frowny faces. I made a lot of contacts and I still got to meet all the celebrities at the award show. But, nothing can assuage that ache you get in your stomach knowing that everyone is having fun together without you. Vilanch attempted to console me by telling me, “Don’t feel bad. There’s this tiny cabal of bitter little men that spend all year deciding who gets invited and who doesn’t. You’re not the only one.” Cold comfort, but it solidified the notion that Hollywood really is a restaging of high school on a grander scale. The popular kids have been evolved into movie stars, while the rest of us are the AV nerds and band geeks that love to hate them and hate to love them.

Mike’s Musings on the Nominees

If Hollywood is high school, then The Academy Awards is Senior Prom and the coveted Best Picture Award is the chintzy Prom Queens’ tiara. This year, all the nominees fit conveniently into each teenage archetype:

JUNO

This relaxed and funny film gem is the free spirited alterna-girl that sat next to you in art class and taught you the do’s and don’t of smoking weed. She’s smart without being dorky about it. She’s totally the kind of chick that found her prom dress in a thrift store and makes it work. Everyone one likes this girl because she’s not in the popular clique. Ironically, that’s the exact reason why she’ll never wear that rhinestone tiara.

NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN

This intriguingly slow paced Neo-Western is the brainy girl of the nominees. She’s the smart, quiet type that’s beloved by all the teachers. Think Jesse Spano in a cowgirl hat. You’d completely respect her, but never quite consider her your friend. She’s attractive, intelligent, and undoubtedly well liked. But, is she the most popular candidate? If you recall your Saved By the Bell mythos properly, you’ll remember that Kelly Kapowski always won Home Coming Queen, not Jesse.

MICHAEL CLAYTON

This dark and heady George Clooney vehicle screams ‘ethic conscious goody goody.’ If not actually a minister’s daughter, she’d at the very least be an active member of her parish. This young lady is undeniably beautiful, but while the other girls are wrapped up on the best way to coordinate their nail polish with their new iPhones, her mind is focused on how she can best raise money for the starving orphans in Uganda. She’s a hottie with a conscience. For that reason alone, she’ll never be Prom Queen.

THERE WILL BE BLOOD

Meet the bitch. Although gorgeous in appearance, beneath the surface lies something sinister and discomforting.. You try hard to sincerely like her, but she has an innate quality that leaves people feeling bad about themselves in her presence. If this were Mean Girls, she’d be portrayed by Rachel McAdams. But, Rachel lost Spring Fling Queen to Lindsay, as this one will probably lose to…

ATONEMENT

Finally, the Alpha girl. Boasting the combined charm of Kiera Knightley and James McAvoy, this hopeful is as beautiful inside as she is on her exterior. She’s bright, witty, and mature. All the other girls want to be her and every boy wants her on his arm. This one is born to wear the Prom Queens’ tiara, for all that cheap shiny plastic is truly worth.

Tags:Academy Awards, Atonement, Juno, Michael Clayton, No Country For Old Me, Oscars, There Will Be Blood

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Michael Ciriaco is Associate Editor of Real Gay L.A. An accomplished writer and actor, he matriculated from Rutgers University, the Circle in the Square Conservatory, Michael Howard Studio and Second City LA, where he continues to write and act. Mike has also been published in The Medium and Frontiers Magazine. You can currently find his work online at www.specialedfilms.com, www.NotABanana.com, and www.outlisciousTV.com. Look for Mike in the interactive feature The Weathered Underground which will release early 2008.
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